Valley of the Shadow of Death
by RunezEon
Summary: In a surprise attack that never should have happened Commander John Shepard is killed saving his crew. His friends and teammates, as well as a young quarian who had just come to acknowledge her love for the man, deal with the loss of their leader over the two years he is rebuilt. Bridges the first and second ME's following crew POV's. Rated M for violence/language/adult content
1. Prologue

**_Author's Note:_**

**_So now, I disembark into a strange and scary new world, fanfiction. I didn't exactly follow canon here to the letter, but then again, what would be the point of fanfics if they did?_**

**_This is a bridge piece staged between the first and second ME, though if my plans follow through (and I'm determined that they will) this will eventually be a series that spans the time of all three ME games and then launches off into it's own unique story within the ME universe._**

**_Important thing! A LOT of the quarian culture stuff in here is borrowed off of Calinstel's work in the To Survive series. I highly recommend reading them, admittedly, after reading them myself I can't imagine quarians any other way! Also, I have to give credit to the brilliant fic author venomRED who inspired me to start this writing. Both he and Calinstel's work have greatly influenced my views of the Mass Effect universe. _**

**_Final Note: I started this fic after making a personal observation that Tali/Shepard fic writing was more or less dying out. It saddened me to see so many incredible authors come and go, and I decided to take it upon myself to try my hand. As long as there are still readers out there who want me to continue working, I'll do my best._**

**_~RunezEon_**

**_Now get reading! XD_**

* * *

**_ME: Valley of the Shadow of Death_**

**_Prologue: Opening Your Eyes in a Tub of Vinegar_**

A weightless, still sensation that one never seems to notice at the moment, but in hindsight was always present as settled dust in the back of the mind. The soft and steady buzz of the drive core came to the forefront of her awareness as she swayed momentarily on her feet, waking consciousness slamming back into her as her silvery eyes shot open. Tali quickly shook her head to clear the drowsiness. _Keelah, _falling asleep on her feet, she hadn't realized that she was _that _tired. Squeezing the tired out of her eyes, she slid her hands to the small of her back and stretched, evoking several satisfying pops before turning her gaze back to the core-readouts on the terminal in front of her.

Tali still felt the pride from her achievement of adapting the core-readout codes she had learned from her father and concocted herself to the highly-advanced systems of the _Normandy_. It had been disappointing at first to not have anyone to tell of her accomplishment, but eventually she had decided to talk of it with Shepard. The corners of her mouth unconsciously turned upward as she thought of the human. She was sure he'd had no idea what she had been talking about, but he had cared enough listened none the less. _He was just being polite,_ the logical part of her mind whispered to her._ Stop grinning like an idiot._

She didn't stop though, the grin turned into a full blown smile, and she slowly shook her head at the memory of him stumbling over the technical talk. Shepard really did try; he listened, engaged actively in conversation, she had told him a quite a bit about her people, and herself. He had proven to be possibly the best friend she had ever had—_perhaps more._

Tali's fingers stumbled for a moment over the terminal's interface as a runner would stumble on the track if a gun were to go off next to his ear. _What was that? _She picked up her pace again and continued typing, dismissing the thought as induced by her exhaustion. The quarian's face assumed a neutral expression of concentration that was oft-times present when she was immersed in her work, though no one would have known the expression she wore behind her visor anyway. However, had her visor not been there, Engineer Adams would have been able to perceive a smile bloom across her face from clear across the otherwise forsaken engineering deck when a familiar _swooshing _sound sounded behind her. Of course Tali knew who it was. Third sleeping rotation was when engineering was supposed to occupy the sleeper pods, only one person would bother to head down to the supposedly empty deck at this time.

_Shepard._ Her heart leapt at the realization of his presence, that had been happening more and more lately, which struck her as a bit odd, but then again, why shouldn't she be happy he was here? It was genuinely enjoyable to talk to him after all. Tali tapped a final key to confirm the next systems-check and turned around to see him walking into the blue aura emitted by the drive core.

"What are you guys doing down here?" a joking grin played across the commander's face as he pointed a thumb over his shoulder. "Don't you know what time it is? Sleeper pods are waiting." Of course they were still at work; they always were, as if playing some endless game of attrition with no possible winner.

"Must've gotten away from us, Commander," Adams replied in an equally joking manner. "Maybe the 'most advanced frigate in the galaxy' should get a clock on the wall." He said this without lifting his head from the terminal in front of him, engulfed in his work.

"Nah, then you'd never leave. Another thing to run tests on." Tali could hear the Head Engineer's barking laugh echoing across the engineering bay at Shepard's reply, and saw him turn to face the commanding officer as he finished his own readouts.

"Well then, I think I'll head up now." The engineer rotated his neck and stifled a yawn before nodding to Tali, and then Shepard, each of which returned the gesture. He then walked out of the bay to the same familiar _swoosh._ Alone now with Shepard, Tali turned her full attention to the commander.

John crossed the engineering bay to stand in front of the quarian, a grin still playing across his lips. _John, _she had started calling him by his first name in her head a while ago, and it never failed to thrill her, it just felt so... familiar? No, _personal. _The thought startled her momentarily, but she was snapped out of her internal conversation by Shepard's voice playing into her audio pickup.

"I would ask if you were sleeping better, but you don't appear to be even trying." The commander's tone was joking and she replied in kind, crossing her arms over her chest and stepping into a defensive stance.

"Well _someone _has to make sure that crazy pilot doesn't cause a core meltdown with those ruthless maneuvers of his." Tali lathered her words in sarcasm.

"In that case, I'll be sure to report that to someone of authority," Shepard consented. His tone then turned a bit more serious as he continued, "But seriously, I could still have a cot or two moved down here if it would help. I'm sure Adams would be on board, seeing as he is thoroughly convinced someone is going to carry off the drive core." Tali felt a slight flicker of embarrassment at the offer, remembering how he had offered to make arrangements for her to sleep down in the engineering bay. She had truly appreciated the gesture, but secretly felt mortified by the special treatment.

"N-No, that's quite alright. It's gotten better," she replied a bit hastily. That was a lie, the deafening silence had not increased in comfort level even in the slightest, but she had started playing background noise within her helmet to compensate.

"Glad to hear it." Shepard nodded in reply, his tone then became suddenly more hesitant—perhaps, nervous. The human spoke slowly and haltingly. "So... Now that the mission is over... Uh..." As Tali had gotten to know the commander, she had come to realize that for an incredible military leader and strategist, he was extremely conserved about his past life and his personal feelings off the battlefield. She had asked him about his life before, but he always nervously avoided the topic. Of course she had read articles about his life, but that felt impersonal and she had wanted to hear it from him. The quarian tilted her head slightly in confusion as he continued. _Left foot._

"So your pilgrimage is over now since you have a gift to bring back to your people... and um..." Her mood darkened considerably. Shepard had assisted her in capturing a significant amount of geth data that would prove to be an extraordinary pilgrimage gift when she returned to the fleet. Returning to the fleet was the conflict—she didn't want to; in fact, she desired the opposite. She wanted to stay. Her time aboard the Normandy with Shepard had been the highlight of her life. Was he trying to dismiss her? To force her to leave and go home? Tali suddenly felt a thousand measures more nervous than she had a moment ago. _Right foot._

Shepard inhaled slowly, centering himself, and collecting his thoughts, he tried again, "What I'm trying to say is... Wow, uh... How often do quarians leave the fleet after their pilgrimage?" Tali's heart skipped a beat. He wasn't asking her to _leave_. He was asking her if she'd come _back_. The puzzled expression in her eyes turned to outright confusion. "I mean, do quarians sometimes decide not to come back?" _Woah, left foot._

Tali almost laughed at how nervous the newly dubbed 'Hero of the Citadel' before her appeared, but she didn't. Shepard rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, "Because I mean, I'd hate to lose practically my whole engineering team, _and_my tech and geth expert all at once..." _Right foot. _The commander swallowed anxiously, having decidedly put an end to his clumsy stumble through words as if it were a field of cacti.

Realization came over her like a wave, and with it came relief. He wasn't asking her to leave. Tali's iridescent eyes roamed slowly over his face, taking in every contour, every fading scar and small cut from the battle of the Citadel. Eventually the silvery observing orbs found his own blue ones, and she tilted her head upward to look into his eyes. The tireless wall of time that steadily pushed life forward seemed to stall for a moment, and she felt the front her suit brush against the fabric of his regulation off-duty outfit. _WAIT A MINUTE. _Reality jolted back into the forefront, and she realized where she was standing. Throughout their conversation she had been inching slowly closer to the commander, and now she found herself mere inches apart from him. _What are you doing?!_

She stumbled backward perhaps a few more feet than were necessary and spluttered out a string of apologies, her face burning like a torch. "_Keelah, _sorry, I- um... Sometimes... Um, _keelah, _I'm sor-" Tali's frantic attempts to salvage the situation were cut short by Shepard's hands descending on her shoulders. Though she didn't meet his eye, she instead kept looking down at her hands as she furiously wrung her fingers.

"Tali." The quarian felt a finger below her chin, and Shepard lifted her face to meet his gaze, which was warm and welcoming, and her fears melted. "It's alright." Tali looked into his eyes for a few moments. Shepard had called her eyes unique and interesting before, but to be honest she didn't understand why. She found human eyes, specifically _his _eyes, much more fascinating, beautiful even.

She forced herself to speak despite the insistence of her mind to stay blank in the presence of his hands on her body. "I-It's almost unheard of... but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened..." Tali forced herself to assume an air of professionalism and formality, gently stepping out of his grasp. For a moment she saw something enter his expression, but she was too busy building a brick wall around herself to notice what it was.

"You won't have to worry though, Shepard. You can rely on me at least a while longer, I have no intent of going home while we're still hunting geth." Tali couldn't help but notice the bitter taste the word 'home' had left in her mouth, the _Normandy_ was more her home than the fleet had ever been. Anxious that she may do something else foolish, Tali continued, "Now it's late... I should be going."

The commander nodded in understanding, and Tali quickly walked past him, out of the engineering bay, and onto the elevator. _What the hell was that? What kind of bosh'tet are you?_ It took a considerable amount of restraint not to run through the crew deck and hop into her sleeper pod to shelter from her embarrassment. Instead, she walked calmly through the mess and climbed into the only empty pod.

Tali spent the next few hours replaying what had just happened over and over within her head. She hadn't bothered turning on the background noise. Her mental chatter was already overwhelming. Her behavior around him, being out of breath at his touch—she had already discovered what they all pointed to, but refused to acknowledge it. She was _bonding with him_. Rather quickly too. Her cheeks burned within her helmet at the simple thought.

The young quarian's mind drifted through all of the numerous interactions she'd had with John. The pemla'tiyl had happened rather quickly. He had just demonstrated such an interest in her people, in_ her._ Somehow, though, it had moved past simple friendship. He had cared for her, protected her. _He does that for all of the crew, you bosh'tet. _Tali sighed in exasperation. Even as she told herself how foolish it was, it did nothing to deter her feelings. To her profound mortification, she had realized that she had indeed been unconsciously flirting with Shepard. Now, as she lay awake inside the quiet pod, she replayed the same question within her head a hundred more times_. What do I do?_

Tali's frustration mounted, and as a distraction she checked her chrono, realizing that third rotation was almost over. She wasn't tired anyway. She opened her pod and headed down the ramp into the mess hall, all the time replaying the unanswerable question in her mind. _What do I do? What do I_ _do? _Her heart stopped dead when she spied Shepard leaving his quarters, and she felt her cheeks smoldering behind her visor.

_Act normal. Nothing's changed. _Tali buried her feelings and continued around the corner to the elevator. Shepard turned the corner and came to a standstill next to her. She felt a slight nervousness building within her, but along with it was a strange happiness. _Shut up. He just needs to use the elevator._

She stepped into the elevator and he entered beside her. "Hey, Tali, you must really not like sleep, huh?" he jabbed jokingly.

Tali felt an incessant anxiety knotting in her chest, and she stuttered out an answer, "H-heh, no, I suppose not..." Shepard must've sensed the anxiousness in her voice. He turned toward her and tilted his head in concern. She shifted to look back at him.

"Is everything alright, Tali? You were acting strange earlier..." Her silvery eyes were again enraptured in his deep blue ones, and she felt her heart longing to be in contact with him. Silence permeated the lift, Tali suddenly felt immensely self-conscious, her feelings loomed over her. She looked down at her gloved hands and commenced in nervously wringing her fingers.

"N-no, everything's... I'm fine." _No. _Her emotions raged within her, _I'm _not _fine. _The doors to the lift opened abruptly into the cargo hold, and Tali quickly walked out and rounded the corner. Walking into the engineering bay, she saw a few crewmen who had already come down and gotten to work. Breathing deeply and closing her eyes, she centered herself and waved to Adams as he greeted her before walking back over to her terminal.

Working always allowed Tali to collect her thoughts and help her come up with a solution. As the hour drifted by, Tali ran checkup after checkup and adjusted drive outputs. That solution seemingly out of nowhere dawned upon her. The quarian's fingers slowed and then stopped completely as an absurd idea entered her head. She would leave soon anyway. Tali muttered under her breath, "_Should I tell him?"_

The deck below her shook with a cataclysmic force that threw everyone on the engineering bay and surely everyone on the entire vessel to the deck. An alarm wailed throughout the ship and Joker's voice sounded over the intercom, "Attention! An unknown vessel has detected us and opened fire! I repeat! We are under attack!"

Tali shakily pushed herself to her feet and instantly noticed that something was amiss. The blue glow of the drive core was absent, leaving the room dim, save the emergency lights. If the ship were under attack, then they were dead in the water. Immediately, she knew what she needed to do. The engineer ran back to her controls, her hands flying over the interface as she bypassed safety protocols left and right. Suddenly, the drive core began to flicker and turn once more, making an unpleasant grinding sound as it rotated.

Behind Tali a few engineers lay dead where their terminals had exploded, but she kept typing, clipping energy outputs and diverting what she could. She punched her terminal in frustration as it shorted and died before her. She turned in alarm at the feeling of a hand tugging on her shoulder.

"Tali! You did what you could, but Shepard's ordered abandon ship! We need to leave _now_**!**" The quarian nodded and ran after the engineer, piling into the elevator with the rest of engineering. Agitated grinding filled the air as the lift climbed to the crew deck, and they all held their breath, knowing very well this could be the end, but the elevator opened and they streamed toward the life-pods. As she climbed into a pod, she saw Shepard run past, making for the CIC. She tried to follow him, but Adams's hand gripped her firmly and pulled her into the pod.

The life-pod's door closed immediately, and it fired out of the besieged ship they had all come to call home. Tali frantically asked no one in particular, "Where was Shepard going?!"

Ashley Williams turned to face her and replied steadily, "He was going to save Joker. He knew that he wouldn't make it out on his own." Tali nodded; that was _exactly_what Shepard would do. She clambered across to the front of the life-pod's cabin and quickly activated the rear external camera. She, along with the rest of the occupants of the spacecraft gasped at the devastating damage the _Normandy_ had sustained.

Tali's heart was in her throat; her lungs insatiable black holes; her hands were shaking. _Where did all this emotion come from? _She wondered silently to herself as she watched the cockpit with a gaze that could bore holes through steel. Shepard would retrieve Joker and use the bridge escape pod to flee the _Normandy_. Despair rose in her throat as she continued to watch the _Normandy_ burn. Tali cringed when a baneful yellow beam that had thus far sundered the _Normandy's_ hull again appeared as it ripped through the CIC. A small yelp escaped her as the _Normandy's_ death throes ended in a plume of fire and slag.

A moment of falling, beyond despair, then Tali spied a small object flying away from the explosion—_the bridge pod._ Tali's shoulders slumped and exhaustion overcame her as she sat back in her seat, muttering a prayer of thanks under her breath. "_Keelah, _thank you, Ancestors." She hardly noticed the survivors around her all celebrating as well.

Ashley passed her and began interacting with the interface on the terminal. She started to make a list of the survivors, all the pod's vital readouts on their occupants replacing the view of the burning _Normandy_. Ashley's words cut through Tali's relief like a razor, "Attention, Pod One, I need you to list your current occupants. Your instruments appear to be malfunctioning."

Joker's voice was both despondent and morose. "Nope, you got it alright, I'm all alone..." The next words may as well have been whispered directly into Tali's ear as she sat frozen. "Shepard didn't make it."

A hellish screeching filled the escape pod, Tali instinctively attempted to cover her auditory pickups to no avail. She screamed, but it could not be heard over the deafening cacophony that shattered her eardrums and tugged at her very soul. The life-pod and its occupants crumbled away around her as if it were made of sand, and she suddenly felt horribly exposed to the desolate void of space. The young quarian turned her gaze to the massive bulk of the planet looming beside her, and saw a small figure writhing as he was seared away in the upper atmosphere.

_"Shepard!"_ Tali screamed as she sat up on the mat she had been sleeping on in the shelter Garrus had found for them on the Citadel. Her skin was soaked with a mixture of sweat and tears, and after a moment of labored breaths and recalling where she was, she muted her audio output and burst into tears.


	2. Chapter 1

_***Edit Note***_

_****A thanks goes to Para-cord, it is indeed "Spectre" though my Microsoft Word and this site insist otherwise. **_

_**ME theme music is still playing in the background, can't believe you made me check. XD****_

_**Authors Note:**_

_**I want to thank the few people who have already reviewed/followed/favorited this story. I really appreciate it and it made me motivated to get this chapter done and out today! This is a very emotional chapter and took me a while to make it end the way I wanted it to, but I think I'm more or less happy with it.**_

_**Already a lot of things that are happening will be important in the later chapters, so pay attention! I intend to make this interesting for all of us.;)**_

_**I'm sorry if you don't like your favorite characters being sad, but what would we be heading towards if it were already happy before the end?**_

_**Thank you again, ~RunezEon**_

* * *

**Chapter 1: Blood Pounding in Your Head**

Frustration, disappointment, a small bit of bewilderment, and the deep, penetrating sorrow. The first three were directed toward herself, but the last... No, _that _was for _him_. The emotions inundated within her at the thought of him and small tears formed in her sore, aching eyes. No sound issued from her, for her throat was too sore and dry from the pain caused from the bottling of her emotions. From restraining her expression of just how bleak she felt, her body shook slightly from the emotional instability. She licked her lips, tasting the salt of her tears, and swallowed a building sob. The action made her throat ache, but she didn't care. She didn't deserve concern or pity, there were others out there, namely others who were left to die in the void of space, who deserved such condolences far more than her. She was a star-struck, foolish child whom reality had come to reclaim, as death arrives, along with its malicious companion fate, to claim the forgotten from their last moments of reflection on the life they've lead. All these thoughts and others of their likeness took place behind the misty purple visor of Tali'Zorah nar Rayya as she stared seemingly blankly at the single remaining crate of supplies that Garrus would soon carry aboard. As the silent tears progressed in paving their sorrowful trails down her cheeks, briefly glinting in the silvery glow of her eyes before beginning their journey, her throat ached more and more from the toll of restraint it took to prevent breaking down completely.

It had been four days, four distraught, aching days, since the ship she had come to call home had disintegrated over Alchera; since the man she had come to call not only her captain, but _her friend_ had died a horrible, sudden, and undeserved death. Shepard, the man she had come to—_NO! _She shoved the thought violently and franticly away as if it were a plague, or the focus of a phobia. Her face contorted as her sorrow threatened to overtake her again, but she reigned in the sob as Garrus rounded the corner out of the shuttle.

When he didn't turn his attention toward her, she let her mind continue with its silent, painful lamenting. It had only been one day since the funeral, if you could even call qualify the piteous ceremony that had taken place as such. Yesterday the most powerful and wonderful being in the galaxy, a man who's race she knew little of yet had quickly become a role model like no other, had been given the most insulting and utterly pathetic funeral imaginable.

She had done her best not to seem overly distraught, fearing embarrassment, dreading it would bring attention to her and reveal too much. The council hadn't even shown up, they didn't deserve him; _no one_ deserved him, including her. Self-loathing filled her when her feelings for him bubbled to the surface. It was stupid, childish, an idiotic daydream, and part of her had known that even before he was gone. _Gone forever._

Tali quickly reached up to her helmet and turned off the vocal emitter before giving way to her soft, quiet sobs. Her body shook slightly as each one seized her and tore at her heart, but she did her best to contain the display of misery.

The convulsive weeping gained momentum until she was crying as hard as she had yesterday and every day since the _Normandy_ had disintegrated before her eyes. Tali's wracking sobs resounded within her helmet, but her lamenting remained seemingly unknown to the world outside. Garrus had gone back into the shuttle to finish calibrations, and she stood alone in this portion of the Citadel's extensive docking bay. _Alone._

She wept for Shepard, and, although it felt horribly selfish and only fueled the self-loathing, for herself as well. It had shocked her when she had first realized it, but she had begun _bonding _with _Shepard._ The fact embarrassed her greatly and had her emotions not have been so heavily taxed already, she may have blushed.

At the same time, she hated herself for letting it happen. The sadness she felt wouldn't be what Shepard wanted. Or would he even care? Her sobs intensified further, if that was even possible. Humans weren't... _the same_ as quarians when it came to love. They rarely found a single partner that would stay with them through the course of their lives. Bile rose in her throat at the idea of Shepard growing bored with her, finding some beautiful human or Asari, someone who wasn't locked away in a rubber and metal cage. _If he had_ _cared in the first place._

Even if she had started bonding with him, she had only _just_ started, she knew the phases of bonding as all quarians did. Tali could feel that Shepard was more than simply a friend to her, even the most trusted friendship wouldn't result in the feelings she felt. Without even noticing, through all the chaos of the hunt for Saren, her relationship with Shepard had soared straight through pemla'tiyl and into hecs'tiyl. Even then though, she was still early on the path of bonding; it was within possibility that she could eventually _"get over"_ him, as the humans called it. Even as she regretted letting her feelings for him form, a bitter clamp encompassed her heart at the thought of _"getting over"_ the commander. Tali didn't _want_ to forget her feelings for him, even if it never could have worked out. She subconsciously yet viciously held on to them. She deserved her misery, and she never wanted her feelings to fade, she felt that if they did, she would be an empty shell. Shepard deserved more than to fade away and become a disregarded chip in the grinding gears turning the galaxy, rotating on and being allowed to fall into the interminable oblivion of time.

There stood Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, the quarian who had fought next to the hero of the Citadel, in an empty hangar of said space station, crying uncontrollably for said man, who would surely have _never_ loved her in return.

The heartbroken quarian's weeping slowly subsided until she had returned to the state she started in, staring blankly at the crate before her. Her face was a great deal more tear soaked than before and her eyes extensively sorer. Despite her bawling, she didn't feel even the slightest bit better, nothing had changed. _Nothing would ever change._

Tali jumped slightly and rounded when she felt pressure descend upon her shoulder. Tear filled, silvery eyes were met with the turian's mandibles pulled into a concerned frown. Remembering her vocal emitter, she quickly composed herself and reached up as calmly as manageable when one's heart was ripped asunder and deactivated the mute.

"Y-yes Garrus?" Tali's voice hitched from her most recent expression of grief. She looked into his eyes and saw pain and understanding. After a moment of silence, he hesitantly opened his arms in an offered embrace. A momentary pause, and she accepted it, allowing tears to blur her vision, though she did not begin weeping again, she was too self-conscious for that. A few seconds later, Tali pulled out of the hug and took a deep, shuttering breath.

"Thank you, Garrus. I... I needed that." Garrus nodded and she turned away, sniffling quietly. "And thank you for offering to take me back to the fleet as well... You didn't have to."

Once again the engineer felt the former C-Sec officer's hand on her shoulder, "Of course I did Tali. I couldn't leave you to find your way back on your own." Garrus's hand slipped off of her shoulder as he passes by, bending down slowly he hoisted the crate of supplies into his arms and carries it into the shuttle.

Tali followed him in wordlessly, her arms across her chest and her shoulders hunched, as if trying to appear smaller in the face of the tempest of horrible depression that raged within her. She sat on one of the benches within the shuttle and waited quietly for departure, staring out the window into the void, toward Alchera, where somewhere, her love, and her heart, lay dead.

* * *

A few hours of silent flight later, Garrus steered the shuttle slightly starboard and locked in the auto-pilot to the coordinates Tali had received from the Migrant Fleet. Wearily leaning back in his seat, his mandibles twitched as he sighed, sadness and frustration audible in his expended breath. As much as he told himself he was just doing Tali a courtesy, he knew that was a falsehood. A lie he adjudged to himself in order to deviate his attention from the truth. He shook his head in response to his thoughts, pushing back the conclusion he knew he'd arrive at. Garrus's eyes slid across the cockpit. He allowed his mind to wander back to a subject turians rarely acknowledged—_emotions_. She obviously had some measure of feelings for Shepard. He had seen her crying, even if she had attempted to bottle it inside her suit. He had heard her scream out for him last night, _hell _he didn't think there was anyone on the Citadel that wouldn't have heard.

Again, he released an exasperated sigh, shaking his head as he grew increasingly frustrated with the growing schism within his judgment. How had it come to this? Garrus thought back to the day he had met Shepard, as was fairly common when it concerned the commander; it had originated with gunfire and escalated from there.

Everything had been a rush—find evidence to stop Saren, save their only lead from assassins, and what a lead she had been. The stubborn human soldier had wrangled up a ragtag band of aliens and launched off into the galaxy to catch one of the most dangerous forces imaginable, a rogue Spectre. _Among other things. _A shiver ran down Garrus' spine as he remembered the commander's little chat with Sovereign.

Now, Shepard was gone, and they had all felt reality's bitter sting, some more excruciatingly than others. A few, Garrus thought, recalling the state of Chakwas and Liara, had utterly broken down at the funeral. Even then though, the way Tali grieved was that of someone who had lost more than just a friend. The turian scoured through his memory, thinking of all the encounters he had witnessed between Shepard and Tali. Had he felt the same toward her?

With every memory that Garrus's mind reviewed, he became increasingly convinced that the soldier had felt _something_ toward the quarian. Shepard had gone down to engineering after virtually every mission. Overall, he had just seemed to go out of his way to have her on his team and in close proximity him. Then the bastard had to go and be the diehard hero till the end and save the smart ass, crippled pilot.

Well, now he was gone, and spirits bless him, he was never coming back, whether he deserved to or not. Maybe one day... Garrus huffed in incredulity at his thoughts. He was a turian, one of the most militant, stoic, and resolute races in the galaxy. He'd get over it.

The turian's eyes proceeded their roaming of the cabin about him. Eventually they came to lie on the empty space to his front. Somewhere, tens of thousands miles ahead, he would drop off Tali and, in all probability, never see her again. Then, whatever he felt wouldn't matter anyway...

Minutes passed as he stared wordlessly into the endless void. Slowly a few grey specs began to grow in the distance, and Garrus squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head again. He began to stand a tad hastily and, in his profoundly distracting state of reflection, slammed his head against the solid steel in the low ceiling. The vigilante swore violently, and then, as the pain subsided, he chuckled to himself. This was _exactly_ why turian's didn't deal with emotions.


	3. Chapter 2

**_Author's Note:_**

**_I feel the need to apologize for not updating for a week. I got pretty sick directly after I uploaded the last chapter, and now school has made its dreaded yet inevitable return. I'll be really busy for the next month or so, but after finals I anticipate the updates picking up._**

**_On the upside, I'll have some extra time to finish the outline for VotSoD and see where we're going next. Chapter three should be introducing some new POV's to the stage, and that's always interesting. ;)_**

**_As always, I'm immensely thankful for any reviews about the story, I put effort into it and it's really encouraging to hear positive opinions, I love all feedback! You're all awesome. _**

**_~RunezEon_**

* * *

**_Smoke Burning Your Eyes_**

Raw, dry eyes, possessing no more tears to shed. Half-lidded and glowing ever so faintly behind the obscuring visor that veiled all other physical features. Tali stared half-heartedly at dull steel of the shuttle wall upon which she rested her head.

At some point after the relay jump, she had drifted into a shallow sleep, compensating for the time she had squandered the prior night crying until Garrus had come to rouse her. The quality of her sleep, however, had not been any better than that of the night before, nightmares of Shepard dying in the void haunting her.

She pulled her knees closer to her chest, having forgone the constriction of the safety harness, and leaned her side heavily against the solid wall. The wound in her thigh protested the movement, and she was reminded of the battle of the Citadel.

When the debris of the massive genocidal sentient starship had buried the Council Chambers within the Presidium Tower. A light injury that originally had meant little was now a spiteful, involuntary keepsake of the bitter irony of what they had survived, what _he_ had survived, only to die so shortly afterward.

Tali heard the sounds of docking mechanisms locking into place, filtering through her audio sensors. She had delivered her chosen identification as calmly as could be managed when life seems to no longer have meaning and then assumed the same position she had spent the duration of the trip in. Permitting a final, despondent sigh to escape her lips, the quarian stood and faced the exit of the shuttle.

Garrus walked out of the cockpit and placed a reassuring hand on her small shoulder. She turned and inclined her head to look into his friendly eyes."You've got the geth data?" Tali gestured with her omnitool in confirmation; the turian nodded in return, his mandibles twitched into a sad smile as he looked down at the quarian before him.

She looked back up at the final echo of her pilgrimage, the only memento that assured it hadn't all been a wonderful yet horrible dream. _That's all it will ever be now, a washed-out memory. _"Thank you again for giving me a way back home, Garrus. You didn't have to do any of this," she said.

He shrugged off the compliment, shaking his head. "No, I really did. I couldn't just leave you alone after all that happened."

The shuttle door swung upward, revealing the airlock they had landed in, and Garrus's hand dropped from her shoulder to his side. Tali took a deep, shuddering breath and treaded out of the transport into the slightly musty and not-so-slightly timeworn atmosphere of her lifetime home.

A bitter air descended upon her thoughts. It wasn't home anymore. It hadn't been since the moment she had set foot on the Normandy, since the moment she had met John. Her eyes throbbed and a lump formed in her throat at the emotions raking her heart when she used his first name. _He would always be John to her._

Behind her the shuttle's engines softly roared to life, and after exiting the airlock she turned to watch through the viewport as the craft self-propelled through the blackness and into the infinite space. Slowly it shrunk to the point of imperceptibility. After which Tali inhaled deeply, as one would when they are about to submerse themselves in ice water.

Garrus had been the last remnant of anything and everything that she had gone through; now he was gone, and she was left alone. She savored the feeling of filtered air flowing into her lungs and clamped her eyes tightly shut. _The last breath of her pilgrimage._

Now, the Fleet was everything for the rest of her life. The quarian felt emotions boiling in her chest, welling up her throat, but she struggled to pushed them back down with a morbid resolve. She was stuck here to die whenever the Reapers finally arrived to collect her, along with all those who refuted Shepard's warnings and mocked him to his grave.

Merely a few months ago, she wouldn't have minded having the Migrant Fleet being the center of her existence. It was dedication to her people, a fine life, but she didn't _want _that anymore. Tali still loved her people, but the commander had made her feel _more, _see _more._ She could not bear sitting by as the rest of the galaxy crumbled, one miniature rapture at a time. Shepard wouldn't want that. _It doesn't matter what you want or what he wants anymore. He's dead and you're a foolish girl._

Tali's shimmering eyes glazed over and her vision blurred, the rest on the shuttle having given her more tears to shed. The expiration date placed on her existence, the cost that had been accompanied by the loss of John was nearly as overwhelming as losing him in the first place. _Nearly._ At the same time though, it was something to look forward to, something she could be sure of in the sea of cold, unrequited love that her life had become. Commander John Shepard had been the most important man in all the histories of all the races in the galaxy, known or otherwise, existent or yet to be so; if not to anyone else, then at least to her.

Satisfied with her final farewell to the only event in her life that would ever hold meaning, Tali turned to have her gaze greeted by the meager 'Welcome Home" party she had known would be there. Perhaps it was a bit unappreciative for her to think so, but she hadn't expected any more. Shala'Raan vas Tonbay stood alone by the exit to the docking hangar, and upon seeing Tali's attention on her, waved. The younger quarian exhaled tiredly and stoically bottled her grief, much to her body's protest, and walked toward her adopted aunt.

Tali was glad Shala was there to greet her. Without her, she would in all likelihood have not cared enough to go find the Admirals and finish her Pilgrimage. She desperately wanted to confide in Raan, to have her grief shared by someone else, to have someone make her feel loved, but she dreaded disapproval. _What would she think?_

"Tali! It's good to see you home, child." Shala welcoming Tali with a nod and outstretched arms, her smile audible in her greeting.

Tali closed the remaining distance and embraced her mother figure in a tight hug. She wrestled down her emotions and put on as happy a disposition as someone with knowledge that all life in the galaxy was going to die painfully possibly could.

"I-It's good to be home, Shala." After a few moments Tali stepped back out of the embrace and Shala looked her up and down appraisingly.

"You've grown so much in the past few months dear." With her curiosity for the well being of her would-be daughter sated, the admiral gazed into the younger quarian's eyes. "So what's this wonderful pilgrimage gift that you've gotten from your service with the Alliance? You messaged me that your commander helped you get something, but you weren't very specific."

Tali nodded and pulled up the copied data Shepard had given her, avoiding acknowledging the mention of the commander as if it were a horrible, lethal pathogen. Her visage remained stoic as she explained, "I originally joined the Alliance in combating the geth in hopes of gaining something that could help our people. I came across a wealth of geth data on a planet and managed to extract some."

Shala stared silently at the data scrolling through the display on Tali's omnitool, nodding in understanding. They had precious little data on the geth, almost all had been lost in the war; this was indeed a treasure. "Tali, this is truly incredible. I'm sure you're anxious to present it to the admirals."

Tali's did not speak, and Shala turned to lead the way out of the hangar, continuing the rather one sided conversation as she did so. "Well there's no reason to delay the meeting. We can head there now and you can gather any belongings from your current quarters before you move to your permanent home." They both stopped as they entered the chamber separating the hangar from the rest of the ship, doors slid shut behind them and a decontamination cycle began to run.

Back on her first day with the commander, this had reminded her of home; now, however, all she could think of was the Normandy, her _real _home. She chewed her lower lip as a means of distraction from her emotions, the hush within the chamber was all consuming, and Tali shifted nervously from foot to foot, the urge to wring her fingers nearly overwhelming.

The doors opened to allow access to the greater area of the ship, and they resumed their pace, heading for the meeting room where Tali assumed the other admirals were undoubtedly waiting for her. Much to her relief, Shala began to speak once more, her tone had become more serious, and she turned her head to face Tali though they continued toward their destination. "Tali, I'm sorry your father isn't here to welcome you back. He's been... Very busy lately. You know he cares about you?"

Tali continued to stare straight ahead, her eyes fixed on the ground as they wound their way through the ship. "Yes, Auntie. I know. I understand." Shala'Raan gazed concernedly at Tali for a few moments before nodding and looking back ahead.

* * *

Deafening silence, absolutely deafening-it began to unnerve him as he sat quietly in the shuttle, and so he allowed his mind to wander as a distraction. Garrus found himself deciding that the best way to deal with life now that Shepard was dead was to act as if the galaxy was **not** going to end sometime soon, but would rather go on as if nothing of importance were imminent to happen. It felt like he was betraying Shepard, and Garrus hated it; he refused think of it as such a thing. He would still prepare. He knew the Reapers were real, however much he wished otherwise. Acting like life was just going to end anyway made it all seem purposeless.

Garrus was glad he had managed to ask Tali for her extranet address, though he had felt a bit foolish doing so. He wanted to stay in touch. During their farewells he had wanted to say **something**, anything to convey what he felt, but stubborn habits had prevailed. Remain the statue, but that was good. Distance was acceptable. It allowed emotions to fade and avoid getting in the way.

This had all been a disaster, a completely clumsy tragedy after the attack on the Normandy. A team that had been ready to face the end of all life as they knew it, just quartered off and disintegrated. Shepard would have expected more than this. Garrus huffed and leaned back in his chair; he supposed they were all secretly hoping they were wrong about the Reapers, or crazy. _If only it were so. _

Spirits bless him, the hell hadn't stopped since the moment Garrus had met Shepard, a torrent of death and secrets. It had all been thoroughly exciting if not somewhat enjoyable, and thoroughly, utterly, undeniably, and most of all lethally dangerous.

At that passing moment, as Garrus lounged in the pilot seat of his rented shuttle, a tick on the clock of reality that was in all respects completely unremarkable in any way to all other moments. He achieved a silent and remarkable revelation. _What the hell now?_

Minutes passed and Garrus hit dead ends, left and right chasing the query through his mind. He wasn't in truth worried in any measure as to where he would go next. The turian was, in fact, rather confident that he would find a job wherever he was needed. The factual purpose of his obsession over this self proposed inquiry was distraction. A means of drowning out the smaller voice that called out repeatedly from a distant and neglected corner of his cognitive consciousness, a voice that called with unending vigor. _You're going the wrong way._


End file.
